CoupleNotes

advice from Michael & Amy Smalley

This is not an uncommon issue couples have when their marriage gets stressed out. My first bit of advice is to relax and take a deep breath. You are not the only person on the planet who’s spouse will not go to counseling. Do not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated. These emotions will only make things worse. You can feel sad that your spouse refuses to go to counseling, but you do not want your attitude to turn nasty because of his or her refusal.

What you can do is go to counseling. There is a misconception about the need for both the husband and wife to attend counseling together. This is not totally necessary. You can experience incredible change simply by changing yourself. Whatever dysfunctional pattern your marriage has adopted, when you finally start doing things differently, the pattern is permanently changed.

Dr. Debi Smith also suggests:

If you’ve already talked about it at length and you’re ready to begin counseling now but your spouse isn’t, you might want to go ahead and make an appointment, then say something like:

“I know I need some help figuring out what I’m doing wrong in our relationship. I made an appointment with Dr. Smith next Tuesday at 7 o’clock, and I’d really like it if you would come with me.”

Don’t say anything more. Don’t press for an answer or remind him or her that you’re going. Just go.

If you live in Southern California, just click here and let’s get started!

by Dr. Debi Smith

We women thrive on conversation. Is it any wonder we want to have real, meaningful conversations with the men we love? We want to share our secrets, our dreams, and the details of our days with those who are close to us.

When something’s bothering us, we want to talk about it. We don’t necessarily want it fixed, but we NEED to talk about it.

In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research shows that you need to get a positive response - a response that says “tell me more” - from your mate about 86% of the time.

So, if you want to increase your chances of getting more positive responses, you must know the “Six Basic Communication Problems and How to Avoid Them.”

Communication Problem #1: HARSH COMMENTS

Let’s face it: We really want to be gentle creatures, right? So we let a lot of things slide. Little stuff that bothers us. We ignore it.

We do give our guys hints, but “guys don’t do hints.” They don’t even notice them!

So nothing changes, and our frustration builds up over time. Although our hearts are in the right place, this really isn’t a good idea at all.

QUESTION: Do you let your frustrations build up?

If you do, you’re more likely to start a difficult conversation with a “harsh comment.” Usually a sarcastic one. When you start with a harsh comment, there’s a 94% chance you will NOT get a positive response!

EXERCISE: Make a mental note of every time something bugs you and you bite your tongue. If it’s more than once this week, you’re more than likely setting your own “harsh comment” trap. (We’ll be talking more about how to bring issues up gently, and sooner rather than later.)

Would you like to know Lesson 2’s Communication Problem? Click here to register for the FREE eCourse, Why Won’t He Talk to Me?

NOTE: All information provided in this FREE eCourse is for educational purposes only. It is not a substitute for a professional evaluation. If you are experiencing emotional distress, please contact a mental health professional.

Would you like to know how
your relationship
compares to other couples?
Find out now!

The Marriage Intensive uses the same powerful principles as other NIM Marriage Counseling Programs, yet is perfectly designed to address special circumstances. It also allows for more scheduling flexibility for the couple as they meet privately with two of NIM’s marriage counselors over a period of two days at the National Institute of Marriage in Branson, MO.

• Additional pre-assessment.
• Two days of exclusive marriage counseling
• Two nights lodging and two breakfasts, two lunches, and one dinner for each individual
• Approximately 15 hours with NIM’s marriage counselors
• A participant manual and other follow up services

The goal of our website is to provide relevant content, so we sincerely appreciate your willingness to participate in this very brief survey.

Click here to take the Relationship Survey now!

Identity: You Were Designed by God

I praise you because I am
fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
(Psalm 139:14-16)

Redeemed by God

But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
(Isaiah 43:1)

God did not create couples; he created individuals. He did, however, design them for (to be in relationship with) one another.

“You can’t develop true biblical oneness in marriage by having one person’s identity disappear or be engulfed by the other, forming one big blob” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 16).

Attachment: You Were Designed to Be in a Secure Relationship

The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. (Genesis 2:24-25).

… they were no longer two, but one. (Matthew 19:4a)

You are different from the first couple in that your first attachment was to your parents or caregivers. That’s where you learned what it feels like to be in relationship. Before you even met your partner, you already had a pretty good idea of what that relationship should be.

“… our relationships with those we love most are the very hardest relationships to keep on track” (Stanley et al., 2002, p. 14).

There are only four responses to the question,

“Will you be there when I need you?”

1. Yes! We are both lovable. Not perfect, but lovable. I want to be there for you!
2. No, I am broken. There is something wrong with me. I am unlovable.
3. No, you are broken. There is something wrong with you. You are unlovable.
4. No, we are broken. There is something wrong with both of us. Neither of us is lovable.

We are creatures of habit. We constantly take in information and attempt to organize it into a familiar pattern. If it doesn’t seem to fit with our experience, we become anxious to one degree or another. We may test and retest the water many times until we feel at home.

Although we all need and desire safety in our relationships, we also unknowingly seek to confirm our basic beliefs about ourselves and about others.

What is Oneness?

Individuality remains, now enveloped in and protected by the newly formed relationship. In other words, two individuals create the couple as they support one another’s growth. What affects one will affect the other as well.

Learn more about identity and attachment at www.OCChristianCouples.com.

How well couples fare depends greatly on the security of their attachment. According to Dr. Susan Johnson, the bottom line for both men and women is the answer to the question,

“Will you be there when I need you?“

Throughout life, both men and women need someone who is accessible (will you be there) and responsive (when I need you).

In fact, emotional attachment is essential for your spiritual, physical, and mental well-being!

How Secure Is Your Own Attachment Style?

Would you like to learn more about attachment and assess your own attachment style?

In this online quiz, you’ll be asked to answer questions about your parents, your partner, and your best friend. When you’re finished, the program will analyze your responses and provide you with an interesting summary of how these different relationships are organized in your mind. (It takes about 5 to 10 minutes to complete.)

The following is a summary of marriage research conducted by Dr. John Gottman. Read more about Dr. Gottman’s work in The Relationship Cure.

Happy couples respond positively to one another.

Partners continually make “bids” for each other’s attention, closeness, and reassurance through comments, questions, and/or gestures.

In successful marriages, spouses responded positively to these bids 86% of the time.

Through their words and their actions, they invited more connection. They communicated (with or without words), “You matter to me,” and “I want to connect with you, too.”

In fact, successful couples had at least 20 (yes, twenty) positive interactions for every 1 (one) negative interaction!

Happy couples argue.

What’s important is how you go about it. Among couples with lasting marriages…

About 80% of complaints came from wives. However, they raised issues gently and brought them up sooner rather than later.

In addition, husbands were willing to be influenced by their wives and to change their behavior.

Neither spouse became upset enough with one another to raise their heart rates above 95 beats per minute.

They didn’t escalate their arguments, but used humor, reassurance, and distraction to ease the tension.

In fact, successful couples made at least 5 positive remarks or gestures for every negative during an argument. (Remember, when they weren’t arguing, the ratio was about 20 to 1.)

At OC Christian Couples, we believe that old adage that “an ounce of prevention equals a pound of cure.”

In other words, it’s best to seek counsel early and learn how to create or enhance and maintain a loving, safe, and happy relationship — not only after the wedding, but from this day forward!

This program is based on sound biblical principles and scientific research to help you develop the kind of relationship that God intends for you to have.

Did you know that . . .

• problematic patterns of interaction develop early in a couple’s relationship, often during the dating phase?
• many couples believe things will improve once they’re married?
• to the contrary, these patterns persist over time and often escalate as the relationship continues?
• the number one reason people seek the help of a counselor is due to distress in a close relationship?

Get Your Marriage Off to a Great Start! Click here to read about our premarital counseling.

At least that’s what both men and women hope for when they marry.

All truth is God’s truth. The Bible is God’s special revelation to us.

General revelations are available to anyone who cares to notice what happens in the world. Marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman has been studying couple relationships for more than 20 years in his Seattle clinic. His findings are general revelations. Read more about his research in future posts or buy the book now!