CoupleNotes

If you’re married or engaged, you need to know this: Marriage is not a competition.

It’s about loving and being loved. So you have a choice: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happily married?

When you listen and respond to your partner instead of correcting him/her, you will learn a lot about how he/she thinks and feels.

Good News: You don’t have to agree. But if you listen long enough to what your partner has to say, you may find out that your disagreement was really just you jumping the gun before you’d heard … the rest of the story!

He who answers before listening—
that is his folly and his shame. (Proverbs 18:13)

I’m amazed at the effectiveness of pop psychology. For years we’ve been told that people need to be complete in themselves (i.e., independent) before they can find a meaningful relationship. It reminds me of what my son said to me when he was a teenager looking for his first part-time job:

Mom, they all want to hire someone “with experience.” How can I get “experience” if no one will hire me?

As Christians, we do that, too. It’s like trying to get it all together before we come to God for help, which, by the way, is a very unbiblical approach. How can he supply our needs if we deny that we have any?

In sum, our culture (both inside and outside the Church) tells us that we need to not need anything before our needs can be met. Does that sound as crazy to you as it does to me?

The truth is that we all need. It’s a big part of what makes us human and, therefore, not God. As a friend once put it, “Saying someone is ‘too needy’ is like saying they’re ‘too human’!”

The truth is we need relationships because we are needy people. We’re dependent whether we’re willing to admit it or not. It’s as certain as the Law of Gravity! Even if you don’t buy the whole “gravity thing,” every time you leap into the air, you will still end up on the ground!

Like gravity, our neediness is part of our God-given human nature. We need, and we must depend on others (God and people) to meet our needs.

The question, then, becomes whether we have learned to be “effectively dependent” or to be “ineffectively dependent” on one another. In our upcoming posts, we’ll be exploring the varied ways we are “ineffectively dependent” on one another.

What are the danger signs that a marriage is in trouble?

Why we fight: The good news about those four main reasons

Blame Takes Us Away from Ourselves

Listening is not the Same as Agreeing

Listening is About the Other Person

This best-selling relationship book from the popular author duo of Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend now comes with two FREE audio CDs - one from Dr. Henry Cloud encouraging women through the difficult but rewarding process of successfully relating to their husband, and the other from Dr. John Townsend who helps men change those “dumb” attitudes and behaviors that will sink a marriage.

Marriage Ministry @ Calvary Chapel Golden Springs (Diamond Bar)
The Marriage Ministry seeks to teach and promote the application of biblical principles for Marriage and Family with a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, being the necessary foundation.

Marriage Dinner Fellowships: On the 1st Saturday* of every month, there is a potluck dinner fellowship for married couples where couples meet for fellowship, dinner & desert, worship, a devotional Bible study related to Marriage and Family, communion and prayer.

There are 5 different locations that meet the same Saturday evening and teach the same lesson:
1. Diamond Bar area and North Orange County
2. East Foothills (La Verne, Glendora, San Dimas, etc.
3. San Gabriel Valley (Covina’s, Baldwin Park, La Puente, etc.)
4. Whittier area
5. Inland Empire

Premarital Classes: (’Already Married’ couples are also welcome) These classes are designed for engaged couples. The first of 6 weekly classes begins the 1st Sunday of every even month. The classes go from ‘principle to practical’ beginning with teachings on biblical principles of marriage and family, and then move into their practical application in everyday living.

* For more information: 909-396-1884, ext. 9637 (voice-mailbox)

Dr. Sue Johnson really “gets” couples. That’s why we’ve adopted her approach to couple therapy at Orange County Christian Counseling.

Although Hold Me Tight is not written from a Christian perspective, it’s principles are based on sound scientific research and applicable to us all. The insights Dr. Johson shares about intimate relationships have been extremely helpful for our clients.

This book is a “must have” for everyone, but don’t take our word for it. The following is a Customer Review from Amazon.com:

Touching, helpful, heart-warming and practical, Dr. Johnson has at last put words to the latest research into happy marriages for the average person. Reading it is not intellectual: each time I pick up this book I feel like I could not only understand my spouse’s behavior in a deeper way, but also my own.

I can’t recommend this book enough. I read the first few chapters, bought three more copies (one for my spouse), and gave the other two to friends who were in stressful moments with their own spouses. One couple now reads from the book to one another each night, and (like I did) recommended it to two other couples before they got through the first 3 chapters. The other couple bought a 2nd copy so that they could each have it available to them every day, and are now each avidly reading on their morning commutes.

In short, readers seem to find Dr. Johnson’s book incredibly helpful, almost immediately. Dr. Johnson’s clear, from-the-heart style seems immediately comprehensible to anyone who has ever been in love, or wanted to be. And rest of the book was even better than the beginning.

You know you’ve got a winner when you give a book to two friends, who each immediately give it to their two friends, and so on. Don’t suffer needlessly: give this one a try for under $20!

If you’ve been trying to figure out your own romantic relationship, order your copy of Hold Me Tight today!

Weekend of Oneness Marriage and Relationship Conference
Fri, June 20, 7-9:30p
& Sat, June 21, 8:30a-12:45p
Mariners Church Worship Center
Experience a Weekend of Oneness and discover how you can build or prepare for a loving, more intimate marriage - the way God designed it.

Dr. Larry Crabb will help couples from every point on the marriage spectrum explore obstacles that can get in the way of intimacy and teach us how a growing, completely honest relationship with Christ can bring us closer to our spouse.

We encourage you to consider this Weekend of Oneness, wherever you are on your marriage journey:

• Singles thinking about marriage
• Engaged couples
• Newlyweds wanting to build a firm foundation
• Married couples seeking to enrich their marriage
• Couples seeking healing in their marriage whether together, separated or divorced

Register online
$25pp by June 3, then $35
Limited childcare for infants through 5-years-old available for $30/child
by June 3

Infoline, 949.854.7030 x572
Contact: Bruce for questions

Ocean Hills Church Couples Ministry @ San Juan Capistrano

God created the institution of marriage in the Garden of Eden (Gen 2:20-25) and Paul tells us that the marriage relationship speaks to the intimate union between a believer and Jesus Christ (Eph 5:25-33). Unfortunately today, marriage is under attack more than ever, especially with the current culture questioning the definition of marriage. Solid marriages built on God’s Word create stable families and those families form the bedrock of a healthy church body.

Whether newlyweds or seasoned in years of marriage, we all need to learn more about what God has to say to us regarding marriage and we need support and encouragement in our marriage relationship.

This ministry is a great way to get involved and to get to know other couples within the church body. To learn more about how you and your spouse can get involved with this vital and exciting ministry, call Dan and Connie Mueller at 949-496-7411 or email info@oceanhillschurch.com

Because sometimes we simply need a little chuckle and some good, clean fun . . .

The Princess & the Pea (Video Clip)

Ugly princes, fibbing fairy godmothers, and knights who prefer clown suits to suits of armor–these clearly aren’t your ordinary fairy tales. They are, in fact, Jay Ward’s infamous Fractured Fairy Tales, originally introduced within Ward’s brilliant Rocky & Bullwinkle Show in the 1960s. From princesses who take destiny into their own capable hands, to inept witches with broomstick envy, to beauties who happily discover their inner beasts, these tales contain surprisingly modern messages of female empowerment. Likely to thumb their noses at tradition and find their own versions of happily ever after, these quirky characters bring fresh and irreverent humor to sixteen twisted tales filled with silly, witty fun.

First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton:
The mission of the Marriage Ministries of the First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton is to help:

…engaged couples prepare for marriage
…enrich and strengthen marriage relationships
…restore struggling marriages
…recover from broken marriages

For additional information, please contact Marriage Ministries 714-529-5544. (Senior Pastor Dale & Becky Burke, pictured)

Many couples struggle with painful arguments that circle around a few key triggers and issues. Before they realize what’s happened to them, they develop a Negative Cycle of interactions.

If this sounds like your relationship, the following items can help you identify and describe your own Negative Cycle when you’re not getting along:

What I Do:

• I attack
• I avoid conflict
• I become cold or aloof
• I blame
• I clam up
• I criticize
• I defend
• I get quiet
• I leave
• I withdraw

How We Interact During Conflict:

• During an argument, I become silent, withdrawn, and don’t want to discuss things.
• I often get angry and critical to get my partner to talk.
• I often want to avoid talking about our relationship.
• I often want to push my partner to talk about our relationship.
• My partner often pushes an issue and won’t let it drop.
• My partner withdraws a lot and won’t face an issue when I want to talk.

If any of this sounds familiar, you need not despair. Thanks to several decades of research, new hope is available to help you break free of the Negative Cycle. Read more.