How a Husband Can Make a Difference in His Marriage

You started out with an idea of what you wanted your life to be. Right?

And somewhere along the way, your marriage went a little sideways.

So most of the time, you just kind of go with the flow and hope the storm blows over.

But you might have gotten to a point where you've actually sought help, where you've talked to a marriage counselor and you've made some progress. And I think that's great. There are some really good marriage counselors out there. I tend to not give them enough credit for what they do, mostly because I think they're missing one of the biggest pieces.

Very few have the courage to open the can of worms and talk about the differences between a man and a woman in real terms.

And honestly, those things that are out there right now about those gender differences often paint one side or the other in a derogatory tone.

So we already villainize one another.

And when you have authorities doing the same thing, it just fuels the flames and it doesn't get you anywhere.

But anyway, if you've found somebody who really truly has been able to help you, I hope they are able to also address those foundational differences between men and women that, in my opinion, cause 95% of the conflict in a relationship. It's just like you don't understand one another.

Men and women use language very differently.

And the words that we choose have a particular meaning to us that doesn't always translate directly into the very same meaning for the other person.

And that's where a lot of that conflict lies.

You know, I worked as a clinical psychologist for quite a long time.

And when I moved to Texas, I decided that I was going to take a different approach, One that gave me more freedom to actually teach couples who wanted to make progress in their marriage rather than working with anxiety, depression and some of the other pretty serious challenges that people face.

And I totally believe in therapy, I really do.

And for some people it's just a lifesaver.

But if your main issue is that you and your spouse don't understand the opposite sex, which at this point, most of my clients, that's the primary issue they've got going on even though they wouldn't describe it that way.

But if that's your primary issue, then you have the right to know what those differences are to be able to understand what it is that you're facing and how you can work within that system to enhance your own experience to make things better for you, but also to make things better for your spouse. There's nothing more beautiful than feeling like you're really understood and loved at a deep level.

So the clients that I take on now in my coaching practice are those who really want to make progress. They want to make it quickly and they want to make it permanently.

They want to be themselves fully. They don't want to have to contort into someone they're not. They want to be who they truly are. And when you get to the point where you can do that, then you can achieve what I call the effortless marriage because then it's coming out of who you are, not what you have to do to please the other person. That makes sense? I think it does.

It's just so much less work if you're just free to be who you really are, who you're created to be.

But what I found is that some of my coaching clients can be so stuck in what they believe about the male female relationship, they don't make progress.

And I've gotten a lot tighter on who I'm willing to accept into my coaching program for that very reason.

Because if you're not open to seeing your spouse differently, you're just not going to be a good fit for me. And I understand it's hard because you've watched her for years, maybe a couple of decades even.

And all of the things that you've observed about her are telling you something. And that evidence is real.

I'm not discounting your experience at all.

The problem comes in with the meaning that you assign to that experience.

If your wife is always angry and controlling, you assume it's because she wants to be angry and controlling.

The reality, which is more than likely she's really scared.

She's scared that you're not participating in the relationship.

And when you back up, when she comes across as angry and afraid, then you really are leaving her there to do it, to figure it out by yourself.

It isn't your intention, but that's the effect that it has.

And so when you back up, you actually increase her anxiety, which gets expressed as anger and control.

I mean, she's freaking out! This guy, this amazing guy that she married, for any reason that she can figure out, has all of a sudden withdrawn from her. She doesn't understand why.

Yes, I do work with women too. But I only work with women whose husbands have started the process. Because I believe so strongly that if a man doesn't engage in his own relationship with his wife, If he doesn't become the hero of his own story, then she's always going to be left hanging out to dry.

So I've set up my coaching program where the guy starts at first.

But let me tell you a little bit about a couple of people.

One in particular was a newlywed couple, not newlywed. They were thinking about getting engaged. I'm going to jump the gun on that one. But they were seriously considering marriage. And I think I said newlywed because they were talking about getting married like in about three or four months, which is super, super fast. I mean, you can't even really begin to know somebody at that point.

And so they came to me and I said, I can help you with that.

I can help you get through the major hurdles. And we identified what the major differences were that they were experiencing.

And I formulated a plan for them and I said, Here's how you handle this. Do this for six weeks and then do this for six weeks and we'll see where you are. Because the only way you can really know what you want to do is to actually dive in and figure out what it would feel like to go in either direction in terms of some of the stuff that you don't agree on.

Well, that was all well and good and they both agreed that that would be a good idea. I think she was a little bit more in agreement than he was.

And then I was totally surprised by what happened because he totally ignored everything he was paying me to tell him, totally ignored it and went on with his own plan for where they were going to get married, where they were going to live after they got married, how their separate careers were going to go. And they were both professional people, but he had determined this is the way it has to be because the man has to lead.

And he's not completely wrong. And I encouraged him. I'm like, yes, the man needs to lead.

But he needs to lead with compassion and confidence and understanding of who he's married You know, what are her suggestions? What are the things that she wants that she values? And it was as though I hadn't spoken a word about the six weeks here and the six weeks there, experimenting with what was going to work best for them as a couple.

He just wanted it his way and he did not want to try on a different perspective, a different way of seeing the world, a different way of understanding.

They stopped working with me because I was like, Dude, what are you doing? I don't hold back at all.

I talk about, here's what I'm explaining to you. Here's the dynamic that's going on. Here are the forces that are underneath that dynamic. And here is a way that you can work through that. And I didn't tell them they had to land on one side or the other. I didn't tell them what their decision had to be. What I taught them was the process for coming to decisions about major parts of this relationship that they were developing.

And I was totally dismissed.

So they stopped working with me and I was like, That's probably a good idea. Why keep working with someone who you're not paying attention to? That's kind of like hiring somebody to help you with your golf swing and then totally ignoring their advice and instead perfecting your hook or your slice instead of learning how to hit that ball straight down the fairway.

It just doesn't make sense to hire a coach and then not take their advice.

I had another gentleman recently that was in a pretty high conflict situation at the time and you know, I was encouraging him to stand strong in how to set boundaries and not get caught into the loop of the argument that they were going around and around and had been going around and around for years.

Like here's how you do it. I even gave him a script. I explained to him what's going on, why it's happening, what his role in it was, and what he could do differently right down to Next time this happens, say this.

He got on the very next call with me and he was completely describing what he'd done. And it was like there was no connection between anything that I had taught him and what he was doing. He was continuing to perpetuate this horrible pattern for them that was just eating both of them alive.

And it made me really sad. But again, I pointed it out to him. I'm like, Dude, you know, I gave you an alternate plan. What happened?

He looked kind of glazed over like he didn't even begin to understand what I was saying.

I get why what I teach can be very discombobulating. It can be the cognitive dissonance with my clients just runs rampant the first few weeks that they're working with me because I'm telling them stuff. I'm interpreting behavior in a way that's consistent with someone's gender rather than consistent with their partner's experience.

So if you're looking at your spouse and you're observing her behavior and it's not what a man would do, you think she's nuts.

And likewise, if your wife is looking at your behavior and what you're doing doesn't make any sense to her and you don't seem to understand what she's trying to say, then she thinks there's something wrong with you.

And it's simply because she's interpreting your behavior through a framework of understanding a woman.

And in that case, she'd be right because if a woman behaved like a man, that would be really dysfunctional.

Likewise, if a man behaves like a woman that's equally dysfunctional. So you don't want your mate to behave like they're someone else, That they're the same gender as you. You want them to be different.

But you need to learn what those differences look like and how not to neutralize the differences. That takes all the fun out of being married! You don't want to neutralize the differences. You want to maximize your understanding of them so the two of you can move through life together in harmony. I'm not talking unity. You're not always going to agree. You're not supposed to always agree.

But what you need to do is learn how to move together in a sort of synchronicity that leads you to a higher place.

When you try to neutralize your mate and she tries to neutralize you, you've lost half of the equation.

You've lost the whole reason that you've got married in the first place.

So that's really what I'm helping you do. It's hard work. It's hard work to take all of that experience that you've interpreted in one way and put it to the side and go, all right, coach, teach me what I'm doing. Why do I keep hooking and slicing with my golf clubs?

And you listen to your coach and you experiment because when you're learning something new, it's always an experiment, right? You get up there and you take a swing at ball and you hope it goes differently, but you haven't made quite the right adjustment in the right place. So you go and you get feedback from your coach. You're pulling a little bit too much this way. Need whatever they teach you. I'm not a golfer that may be apparent to you already. But you get feedback and it's always a feedback on the experiment that you did.

It's not feedback that, yeah, you're right. She's crazy. Or yeah, you know, the woman is right. The man is bad.

That, you know, there's enough of that stuff going on in the world now. Men are not bad. You guys are great.

But it is really hard once you've made your mind up that it's one way.

To not listen to your coach is like going out and just tacking on the ball without any consideration for what you've just been told and what you've just been shown.

I hope that makes sense to you. Kind of understanding the process of what that change looks like. I really want you guys to find your voice again.

Not in a domineering way. I don't want you to turn into a jerk in the process, but to find your voice again so that you can lead your family. So you can take that responsibility and run with it and see what you can accomplish not just as an individual man but as a man with a beautiful wife who are moving in harmony together.

The starting point for all of that is my master class and the master class is held periodically. You can check out the next date on my website. I'll put the link down below.

I'd love to have you be there. I'll explain all this in more detail. I'll go through it more systematically than I can here in a short YouTube video.

If you're interested in that, check it out. If not, then I hope you'll still stick around. You can subscribe and follow along.

And if you just happen to stumble across me, maybe you'll stumble across me again. It just might be a sign that you and I need to talk at some point.

So if that sounds like something you'd be interested in, be sure and check out the masterclass!

I'll see you soon in the next video! Until then, take care!