Why Romance Dies an Untimely Death

Many couples quietly assume that romance is fragile.

Temporary.
Something meant for the beginning of a relationship — for youth, novelty, or the so-called honeymoon phase — but not something that can survive adult responsibility and real life.

That belief is common.
And it’s deeply damaging.

Because in reality, couples don’t usually kill romance.
They abandon it.

Romance Doesn’t Die — It Fades Through Resignation

Most couples don’t notice romance ending when it happens. There’s no dramatic collapse, no single moment that signals the end.

Romance fades more subtly.

It fades when couples are told — explicitly or implicitly — that romance is unrealistic. That passion must give way to practicality. That desire should be replaced by duty. That responsibility naturally crowds out wonder.

So when life becomes heavier, more complicated, more demanding, couples don’t ask, What’s happening between us?

They tell themselves, This is just how it goes.

And once that belief takes hold, curiosity quietly gives way to task management.
Discovery gives way to efficiency.

Romance slips out the side door — unnoticed, unmourned, and unexplored.

Romance Is Not a Myth — It’s a Misunderstood Reality

Romantic stories don’t endure because they lie to us.

They endure because they touch something deeply human.

A longing for closeness.
For desire.
For being chosen, seen, and pursued.

The problem isn’t that romance is fictional.

The problem is that we misunderstand how romance actually grows over time.

Romance isn’t something you lose.

It’s something you stop searching for.

Marriage Was Always Meant to Be a Treasure Hunt

In the beginning of a relationship, everything feels new. Two people are discovering one another — stories, rhythms, curiosities, quirks. That sense of wonder isn’t accidental. It’s the natural result of focused attention.

But over time, many couples unconsciously shift their orientation.

They stop exploring.
And start managing.

Life demands it, of course — careers, children, homes, responsibilities. But somewhere along the way, romance is recast as expendable. Optional. Even impractical.

Instead of a treasure hunt, the relationship becomes a checklist.

And no one means for that to happen.

Why Romance Always Includes a Test

Every love story includes a moment when something goes wrong.

A misunderstanding.
A disappointment.
A moment when one person feels unseen or unsure.

That moment is not evidence that romance was an illusion.

It’s the test.

Romance always includes a test — not to destroy love, but to deepen it. The trouble is that many couples misinterpret the test. Instead of seeing it as an invitation to understand one another more fully, they experience it as proof that something has gone wrong.

Fear enters the picture.

And when fear takes over, curiosity collapses.

When Fear Turns Into Defensiveness

Fear alone doesn’t ruin relationships.

Defensiveness does.

Fear says, I might be hurt.
Defensiveness says, I need to protect myself now.

Walls go up.

Those walls are meant to keep pain out — but they also block tenderness, generosity, repair, and closeness. Partners stop asking curious questions. They stop believing the best. They stop looking for the good that once felt obvious.

Romance doesn’t disappear because love wasn’t real.

It disappears because defensiveness replaces discovery.

The Fog of Everyday Life

Over time, daily irritations begin to dominate attention.

What’s not done.
What’s late.
What’s inefficient.

The mind becomes trained to scan for problems. And whatever we repeatedly focus on grows larger in our perception.

The good is still there — humor, decency, devotion, strength — but it becomes surrounded by fog.

Romance doesn’t vanish because it wasn’t real.

It vanishes because attention shifted away from it.

Romance Is About Seeing — Not Performing

Many couples assume romance requires doing more.

More effort.
More planning.
More performance.

But romance doesn’t come from doing more things.

It comes from seeing more truth.

Romance is born when one person feels noticed in their essence — not evaluated, corrected, or managed. When someone is encountered as a living mystery, not a known quantity.

You don’t fix romance.

You rediscover it.

A Final Reflection

Romance is not a phase you outgrow.

It’s a posture you either maintain — or quietly abandon.

It doesn’t require fantasy.
It requires curiosity and fascination.

And for couples willing to return to the treasure hunt — to look again, more deeply and more honestly — romance doesn’t need to be resurrected.

Because it never actually died.

It was simply waiting to be rediscovered…
a lifelong treasure hunt,
with gems all along the way. ♥️

Watch the Full Episode

In the episode below, I reflect on why romance so often fades long before love is gone — and why marriage was always meant to be a lifelong treasure hunt, with meaning and intimacy revealed over time.

This is not a conversation about techniques or advice.
It’s an invitation to reconsider how attention, curiosity, and orientation quietly shape the way couples experience one another.