Stop Working on Your Marriage

Many couples are deeply committed to their marriage — and still feel confused, disconnected, or quietly discouraged.

They’ve read the books.
They’ve tried to communicate better.
They’ve worked hard to “do everything right.”

And yet, something feels off.

One common reason is this: marriage itself has quietly become the focus — rather than the two people within it.

When marriage is treated as something that must be worked on, fixed, or rescued, the relationship can begin to feel heavy. Conversations turn into evaluations. Care turns into correction. And despite everyone’s best intentions, intimacy and ease often fade.

But marriage isn’t an entity that can be repaired.

Marriage is a byproduct — the natural result of how a husband and wife think, feel, grow, and relate to one another over time.

When couples shift their focus from managing the marriage to loving one another well, something important changes. Problems are no longer proof that something is broken. Instead, they become signposts — pointing to the next level of growth, understanding, and maturity.

Healthy marriages are built when two emotionally healthy individuals take responsibility for their own growth, support one another without control, and choose to build something meaningful together with intention and purpose.

This perspective can feel counterintuitive at first — especially in a culture that constantly urges couples to “work on” their marriage. But for many, it brings clarity, relief, and renewed hope.

Watch the Full Episode

In the episode below, Dr. Debi Smith explores:

• why marriage itself cannot be “fixed”

• how focusing on the marriage can unintentionally damage connection

• the difference between loving a person and managing a relationship

• why personal growth strengthens marriage rather than threatening it

• how emotionally healthy couples create positive synergy and shared purpose

If you’ve ever felt like you’re trying hard — and still missing something — this conversation may help things finally make sense.