Couple Communication: Why Understanding Must Come Before Being Understood

Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t care.
They struggle because they’re trying to communicate before they truly understand one another.

Men and women are different by design.
Always have been. Always will be.
And those differences—biological, psychological, and experiential—shape how each person sees the world, responds to stress, and interprets relationship moments.

When those differences aren’t understood, communication breaks down quickly.
One partner feels unheard.
The other feels misunderstood.
And both often leave the interaction frustrated, confused, or discouraged.

What’s missing is not effort or commitment.
It’s sequence.

In healthy marriages, the order matters:

• First comes understanding
• Second comes being understood
• Only then does communication become clear and problem-solving effective

When couples reverse that order—trying to fix, explain, or resolve before they understand—progress slows dramatically. The same conversations repeat. Emotions escalate. And the relationship begins to feel like hard work rather than a place of strength.

Understanding doesn’t happen by accident. It requires learning—about male-female differences, about how each partner is wired, and about how good intentions can get lost in translation.

When that foundation is in place, something powerful shifts.
Men feel respected.
Women feel valued.
And communication stops feeling like a battle to win and starts becoming a bridge that connects.

Watch the Full Episode

In the episode below, Dr. Debi walks through:

• Why understanding must come before communication
• How men and women unintentionally misinterpret one another
• Why feeling unheard is so common—even in loving marriages
• And how couples can move from frustration to clarity by learning the right sequence

If communication has felt strained despite your best efforts, this conversation may help things finally make sense.