Wired to Love and Be Loved: Part 1 — Becoming Attached

Romantic love has a way of touching the most vulnerable places in us.

You can be confident and steady in many parts of life—work, friendships, daily responsibilities—and still feel surprisingly reactive, anxious, or guarded when it comes to intimate connection.

That isn’t immaturity.
And it isn’t “being too sensitive.”

It’s often your attachment framework getting activated.

What Attachment Theory Actually Explains

Attachment Theory isn’t about deciding whether your parents were “good” or “bad.”

It asks a simpler, more useful question:

Did you have someone who was generally available and responsive to your emotional needs—often enough—for your nervous system to learn that connection is safe?

Not perfect.
Not flawless.
Just good enough, most of the time.

Those repeated experiences become a kind of inner map—a baseline relationship framework—that shapes how you:

• experience closeness
• respond to distance
• interpret conflict
• seek reassurance
• protect yourself when you don’t feel safe

Why Romance Brings It Out the Most

Here’s an important nuance I emphasize in this episode:

You don’t necessarily have one global attachment style that looks the same in every relationship.

You might be relatively secure with friends…
but feel fearful or guarded in romance.

Same person. Same history. Same nervous system.
But romance involves more vulnerability—and therefore your attachment framework tends to speak the loudest there.

That’s why someone can feel like a capable adult all day long…
and then feel like a scared teenager the moment their partner seems distant.

Four Common Romantic Attachment Frameworks

Over time, we see four common relationship frameworks show up in romantic attachment:

• Secure
• Focused
• Detached
• Fearful

These aren’t permanent labels. They’re starting points—useful categories that help you recognize what your nervous system learned to do in order to stay connected and stay safe.

And when two people bring their frameworks into a relationship, it explains so much about why couples get stuck in painful patterns—especially the pursue/withdraw dynamic so many people experience.

The goal is not to diagnose yourself.

The goal is to gain clarity.

Because clarity leads to compassion.
And compassion creates options.

Watch the Full Episode

In the episode below, I walk through Attachment Theory slowly and clearly, including:

• how early emotional experiences form a baseline relationship framework
• why romance activates that framework more intensely than most relationships
• the four common romantic attachment styles and what they look like in real life
• how different frameworks collide and create painful patterns in connection
• why your attachment framework is learned—and changeable

If you’ve ever wondered why love brings out reactions you don’t fully understand, this will help things make sense.